Jesus meets the Fast & Furious: remaking Ben-Hur for 2016
How can this be improved? Vin Diesel in the lead? Some airy, but attractive nitwit femme fatale? And how are they going to fit in Arnold? Because this is the thinking of Hollywood today.
More below the fold.
I thought Halloween a bright little independent horror gem. Then it was remade, and the remake was piffle. I felt the same with Psycho. It seems every lightweight director wants to remake a classic to prove they are a lightweight hack. Go figure.
I have heard it said that Hollywood is out of ideas, but his is not true, it is out of good ideas, and bad ideas are green lit at the speed of light. It would be better to not remake Ben Hur, but make Ben Hur, Escape from New York.
Snake Plissken is dead, but scientists clone him from a glob of tissue, but because the bad boy in NY are looking for him they cut him to look like Vin Diesel, no, Millennials want one of their more oleaginous, unctuous, androgynous "boys." You know a dude like Tilda Swinton! Sorry, Maddogswif is giving me the look, ok, ok, she's not a dude. How about Jared Leto! He'd work.
So we have Leto, as the, er, um, "masculine," nee, androgynous lead. Now make a huge race oval, like around Central Park. And put a cage over it, with chainsaws having down, scratch the chainsaws, too much like Thunderdome. But have the horses pulling old VW Bug car bodies cut up to be chariots! With spikey wheel cutters! And, our hero needs a weapon, maybe a flail. Sounds more effeminate. Don't worry about a plot, Hollywood hasn't made a movie with a plot since I can remember.
So we would need about 30 seconds for character development, just use narration, the vid game Millennials all love the get to the action, so why wait. They don't care much about the characters, just the action.
So, then 5 minutes of backstory getting Plissken to Manhattan, and right into an hour an hour plus chariot race scene. Lots of slo-mo blood, guts, and gore, then a 15 minute naked sex scene where Leto hits some other hipster chick that looks like a dude, with tiny boobs. Then Plissken escapes, wrap it up with a parade. Done.
If Hollywood saw that they would green light it in a New York minute.
Oh God what have I done!